You’ve experimented a bit with dildos and vibrators, and now you want to go next-level. You want something that ups the ante a bit. You’ve decided that you might want to try a sex machine (and a real one, not your ex, who never quite lived up to the promise.)
But you have questions. Of course, you do! After all, we’re talking about a very specialized piece of equipment here, and it’s to be used in a very sensitive area. You naturally want to know a lot more before you commit to buying one.
And, then, of course, is the issue of which model to choose. Just Google “F#$K machine” and you’ll see an astounding range of options. Do you get one with a dildo attachment or without? How do those saddle options work?
It’s quite easy to feel overwhelmed when conducting your research. It might even seem safer just to stick to your more tried and tested options. But then you’d be missing out so many different sessions of erotic self-pleasure.
That’s why I’ve written this comprehensive guide to different styles and the mechanism that each operates on. I’ve started with a bit of background on what you want to look out for with your new sex gadget, and we’ll finish off with reviews of the top brands available.
Sex with a partner is a lot of fun…but sex with the right gizmo can lead to mind-boggling orgasms. Read on to find a great way to improve your bed cred, and why you should consider getting a sex-machine.
What is Classified as a Sex Machine?
These tend to be a little larger than your standard wand vibrator or dildo. You do get some handheld models, but by and large, you’re not going to be able to hide these gizmos in your bedside drawer.
Their size depends on their function. They’ll make you cum in a variety of ways—usually by applying friction to your erogenous zones. This will be accomplished through:
- Stroking: Often, the machine can be set at different speeds and pressures to adjust how the strokes feel.
- Vibrations: Again, the settings can be adjusted to increase or decrease the stimulation. This could be through a saddle that you sit on or a wand attachment that’s inserted.
- Thrusting: These are the machines that are potentially the closest to a really great banging. They’ll have a dildo attachment that thrusts in and out of the body.
With most of these machines, you’ll get a selection of attachments that can be changed as you like. This makes them as useful to couples as they are for single people. Both men and women can use the same machine by simply changing out the attachments.
The sheer variety of types of machines is also interesting. Some are meant to be ridden. These use friction to help you achieve an orgasm, and are usually only used in the seated position.
Some are designed to thrust in and out. These can be used vaginally or anally, and so are versatile for both sexes. You can usually adjust the angle for different positions.
So, what is the difference between a sex machine and a vibrator? It all boils down to how much power there is, and how much work you have to do.
With a vibrator, you’re doing the hard work. You’ll have to thrust it in and out yourself. While this is fun, it does require a certain amount of concentration. Your hand and arm tire faster and so you might not have as much fun as you could.
A sex machine, on the other hand, has a stronger power source and is independently supported. All you’ve got to do is lie down and get banged. Because you’re not doing all the work, it’s easier to imagine that you have a partner with you. And, with the extra power at play, you can go on for as long as you can take it. Want to see how many times you can cum in an hour? You now have that option. There’s no waiting for your partner to be in the mood, or for them to reload.
On the downside, you’re not hiding this machine in your nightstand. These machines may even come with a bed for you to lie down, on so they’re not small. On the upside, with a sheet hung over them, they’ll easily pass as a piece of gym equipment.
If that’s an issue for you, you can get smaller, more portable devices, so don’t let that put you off. Besides which, you’ll have so much fun that it will be well worth the little bit of space you’re giving up.
What Benefits Can You Expect?
So, why would you choose this option over simply using your hands or finding someone to have sex with? There are quite a few reasons, actually:
You Get to Explore Yourself as a Sexual Being
Any kind of masturbation increases how well you know your own body. And while sex with a partner is indeed amazing, reimagine that session with a partner who does exactly what you want and never tires. You’re in complete control with this one. Besides, masturbation is one of the most natural means of stress relief. The more you practice, the better it is for you.
You’ll know exactly what it takes to turn you on, and what your turnoffs are. This makes the experience all the more satisfying the next time. And, when it is time to have sex with your partner, you’ll know how to extract every ounce of pleasure out of the experience. You’ll also be a lot more confident because you’ll know your body better. That improves the experience for you and your partner.
Sometimes you just want to hump and get it done. You don’t want to have to go to all the trouble of finding someone to hook up with. Now you can give Tinder a break and get action whenever you like.
You Control Every Aspect
With a machine, you can control exactly how much effort is put in. Got five minutes to spare? Then set it to maximum intensity and get your rocks off fast. When you’ve got a little more time to spend, experiment with it low and slow. You choose:
- How fast the machine works
- What pressure is exerted
- The thrusting pattern used
- And more!
There’s a lot to be said for being a control freak when you’re pleasuring yourself.
More Pleasure in Your Relationship
If you’re in a relationship, you might think that these machines might not be necessary. They can be a real asset, though.
Having different sex drives is something that can force a wedge between couples. The partner not getting enough feels deprived, and the partner with the lower sex drive may feel used. Neither partner will be happy.
Enter the sex machine, and the pressure is off the person with the lower drive. They’ll start to relax and look forward to sex more.
Of course, there’s also the fact that these machines can add an extra element to spice up your love life. It’s one way to reignite the spark when you’re in a long-term relationship.
Having sex in the modern age is something of a gamble. Condoms are not 100% effective against pregnancy. With these machines, you’re not risking contracting AIDs or other STDs. These machines come close to the real thing without the risks associated with it.
It’s also good for those who are getting out of a long-term relationship and aren’t ready for the entanglements of a new one.
The machine will always deliver the same performance. All you have to do to turn it on is flip a switch.
Good for Those in a Long-Distance Relationship
It’s hard to be in a long-term relationship because you get to see each other so infrequently. Add sexual tension on top of that, and you have a recipe for disaster. A machine can provide either partner a safe release of that pressure without straying from the relationship.
It can also even add an extra touch of eroticism to the relationship. Just think of how steamy the Skype calls will be!
Recommended reading: Top Rated Teledildonic Remote Sex Toys – Long Distance Relationship Made Easier
Improve Your Own Form
Maybe you’ve only had a few sexual encounters. Perhaps you just want to be a rockstar in the sack. It doesn’t matter – practice makes perfect. These machines are closer to what a real sexual encounter is like than a simple vibrator or your hand.
Your Comprehensive Guide to Buying
You need to give this purchase a lot of thought. Let’s go over the basics so that you end up making the right choice.
Ready-Assembled or DIY?
There may be some assembly required, especially with larger models. Are you up for that or do you want to get started as soon as possible? The amount of work involved is not excessive, but if you don’t like reading the directions, it’s better to get one that’s ready to go.
Build and Material Quality
This is not the time to cheap out. There are a lot of options out there, and not all of them are good. It’s especially important to evaluate the sections that will be in direct contact with your body.
For starters, it’s better to stick to non-porous materials if you’re going to be inserting them anywhere. Porous materials may provide the ideal environment for bacteria to grow if they’re not thoroughly and scrupulously clean. Silicone is usually your best option. It’s non-porous, durable, and holds up well under pressure.
The next thing to consider is how good the build quality is. You’re making a fairly substantial investment here, so it pays to get something that’s going to last. Check out the reviews online.
Have a look at pictures of the machine. Does it look flimsy, or does it seem to be sturdy? Imagine having to make a trip to the hospital because something broke off and got stuck.
Do a copious amount of research into consumer reports and again, be sure to check a lot of reviews. It’s also a good idea to check what warranties are offered. Most reputable companies will offer a guarantee against manufacturer’s defects.
Cleaning and Care Instructions
It’s important for any item that will come into contact with your body to be kept sanitary. You’ll want to find out what the specific care instructions are before making your decision. Is it easy to clean and keep sanitary?
You’ll need to decide what’s going to give you the most bang for your buck. Do you want a saddle device that you just hop on and pleasure yourself with? It’s simple to use, and hard to make a mistake.
Are you more adventurous and want to be able to play around a bit? Then a piston-driven device with different attachments might prove the better option.
It’s also worth considering how comfortable you’d be with using the various attachments. If you’re only going to use one attachment, it’s pointless paying a premium for all the others as well.
How Strong is the Motor?
You’ll get some machines that do little more than tickle your fancy and some that are designed for deep penetration. The first thing to find out when weighing your options is how powerful the motor is and how deep the penetration is.
Here it’s definitely the size that counts – these machines have different settings in terms of speed and angle, but they’re really only designed to do one thing. If you’re looking for deep penetration or extra girth, look at the attachments that the machine comes with.
Does it Vibrate?
When you’ve got a thrusting machine, vibrations are not really what you’re looking for. That is unless you can stop it when it’s inside you. A vibrating attachment could be useful during the foreplay section of things to help you get more aroused.
What are the Options?
Now you want to know what options you have. Can you vary your play with the model you’ve been considering? Would you want to? Just get a machine that allows you to vary the settings so that you have a great experience every time.
Do you prefer something that is simple and straightforward? If so, then stick with something like a saddle.
If you thought that your common variety sex toys were pricey, buckle up—you haven’t seen anything yet. Sex machines are at the top of the food chain in this industry, and their price matches their status. You can get some more reasonably priced models, but you do have to consider safety aspects.
If Company A sells something that looks like Company B’s model at half the price, you have to wonder how they were able to do so. The answer is normally by using cheaper, porous attachments and cheap mechanics.
So, while these inexpensive models don’t make as big a dent in your wallet, they’ll make a significant crimp in your fun when they break down. If you don’t have the money for one of the models we’ve listed below, then skip this purchase until you do. A good quality model costs more but will also last a lot longer.
Now that you understand that you’re going to be making an investment, decide how much you can spend. Once you have your price ceiling, you’ll be able to narrow the field nicely.
Where is it Going to Be Stored?
Some people are rather open about their sex lives and the toys that they use. If you live on your own and do your own cleaning, why not just set it up in a spare bedroom?
If you’re in a situation with your kids visiting you every second week, you’ll want to be a bit more discreet. When choosing the model, think about how you’ll store it. Will it fit in a closet, or is it more like a gym machine?
It might be fun to play with the machine with your sex partner, but what if someone else sees it? I remember recently watching a meme where this man’s grandmother had found his vagina simulators and thought that they were socks. It was funny for us, but not so much for him.
It’s also wise to check what other reviewers have said about the noise level of the machine. Ideally, you want something that will be as quiet as possible. Too much noise might distract you from the pleasure.
Find this out before you add anything to your cart. What does the company say about returning the item? What are the conditions attached to returning it? Are you covered for defects? Do they have a grace period in which you can return it unopened?
Finally, if you do need to return it, where do you send it? What do you need to send with it? Does it need to be in its original packaging?
Getting the Best Sex of Your life With a Fuck Machine
So, I’m sure you are tempted to jump right in and start using your new machine. I don’t blame you—you’ve spent a lot of money on it. Just cool your jets for a second, though; you need to read the directions first.
If there is some assembly required, be sure to read the instructions thoroughly. You’ll want to make sure that everything is put together securely and as it should be. Here are some other things to think about before you get started.
Use a Lot of Lube
It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman; the only way you’re going to get things to run smoothly is to use enough lube. Put on more than you think you need. As you get more accustomed to your machine, you’ll know exactly what the right amount is—but for now, start with a lot. Skimping on lube could make the whole experience less pleasurable, or even painful.
Choose the Right Lube
Water-based lube is normally the safest option. It’s neutral and so shouldn’t react with any of the materials on your toy.
See our top rated lube picks here and our buying guide for more information.
Do Get Some Optional Attachments
If this is the first sex machine you’ve bought, it could be overwhelming to choose several different attachments. What I’d suggest is that you get at least a few others. You may not want to use them straight away, and that’s fine. At some stage, though, you’re going to get curious. If they are no longer producing the model at that time, and it could be difficult to venture forth.
See what attachments the company offers; some include strokers and extra dildos. Choose a couple that you might be interested in at a later stage.
I would recommend that you get dildos in different sizes, especially if you want to play with a partner. If you’re a man or have a boyfriend, it’s also not a bad idea to get a male masturbation package.
Take Some Time to Figure Out the Machine
This is where you are going to have to pull out that instruction book and read it carefully. This is an expensive buy you’ve made; you want to make sure you get the best out of it. By understanding exactly how it works before you start it up, you’ve got less chance of damaging it.
Look at what the manufacturers suggest in terms of the machine’s placement. Does it need to be on a flat surface? Should it be attached to a table? Make sure that the surface it’s attached to is solid and is not going to slip around when the machine is on.
Your machine will need electricity and a steady surface. If the machine is on the floor, be sure to put a rubber mat underneath it. This will prevent the machine from slipping around and also protect your flooring.
Once it’s set up in a safe spot, you’re ready to start playing. This play session is all about getting to know the machine’s different settings. If you’ve got a remote, now’s the time to see how it works and become familiar with which buttons to press.
I strongly suggest that you take some time to get to know how your machine works. That way, when it comes time to actually using it, you’re not going to have any nasty surprises. In particular, make sure you know where the cutoff switch is—because if you’re using the machine, and you’re not having fun, you’ll want to switch it off quickly.
If you feel that the machine is too noisy, try placing a blanket or towel underneath it. You could also build a tent with a towel over the top of it; just make sure that the machine still has some air circulation around it, so it doesn’t overheat.
Now Let Your Imagination Loose
Start with a simple sex session on the lowest settings and see how it makes you feel. Work your way up if you want to experience a more intense feeling. You’ll soon find what setting works best for you.
Once you have the hang of the machine, you can now start introducing other fantasy elements. Maybe double penetration has always been a fantasy of yours, but you never wanted to sleep with two men. This could solve that issue for you.
What other fantasies can you think of?
Keep yourself safe
Okay, I know that the safety instructions are not much fun. No one really wants to hear about what could go wrong. That said, a few well-heeded safety tips will go far here. As with any machinery, always read the safety information. It’s not a scintillating read, but it’s important. Remember that your genital area is very sensitive. Injuries there are painful and could take a while to heal. That’s worth spending a few minutes going over the safety information.
Get a Reputable Make
There are a lot of people out there trying to make a quick buck. They see a product that is doing well and rip off the design. They cut corners to save on costs, and their products won’t last well. Never settle for the cheapest option out there, because there’s a reason it’s so cheap.
Look After it Properly
That means cleaning it and storing it as per the manufacturer’s instructions. If it has a cover, make sure all the washable parts are dry before putting it on.
Let’s put it this way – you don’t want a bacteria-laden device anywhere close to your genitals. Make sure that the areas that came into contact with your body are washed using warm water and some cleaner.
Types of Sex Machines
There are several different types. In this section, we’ll look at the most common.
With these, you just mount up and ride. Use the dildo to stimulate your clit, or stick it into your vagina or butt. You’ll often get a remote to use with these. Giddyup, cowboy!
These are inserted into the vagina or butt and are designed to simulate a thrusting penis once they are switched on. They come in a range of shapes and sizes; generally, the larger they are, the more power they have.
The advantage here is that you can switch out the attachments to mix things up a bit. It’s best to start off slowly here and work your way up.
These are designed for men. You stick your dick into the tube, and the machine alternately applies pressure and then lessens it. The inside of the tube is textured to increase the pleasure.
The advantage of this type is that they’re portable and usually quite easily disguised. Remember the granny and the “socks” we were speaking about earlier? Those were most likely strokers. They’re smaller and so also one of the more affordable options.
My Top Picks for Your Pleasure
Now let’s get to the good stuff – here are the best of the best machines to help you get off.
The Hide-a-Cock 5.0 – Most Discreet Model
You might be purring like a kitten while using this model—and that’s the only sound you’ll hear. This looks like something out of a modern torture chamber, but it’s one of the best. It’s made from stainless steel and built to last.
You can choose a speed of up to 250 strokes a minute and a penetration depth of between 1 and 5 inches. You can control everything with remote control.
The machine has a low profile, so it’s perfect for when you want just to let it do all the work. The Hide-a-Cock is also smaller, so it’s simple enough to hide. Optional extras like the Universal Dildo Holder and the Blow Job Kit make this a fun party for both sexes
The Cowgirl Premium – The Best Rooting Tooting Saddle on the Market
Why is this the best? It can be controlled through the remote or an app. It’s perfect for those long-distance relationships—let your partner whip you into a frenzied orgasm from anywhere in the world using the app.
It has a few different vibration settings and can swivel a full 360 degrees. It comes standard with two high-quality attachments and features a non-slip, padded seat.
Don your Stetson—and nothing else—and have the ride of your life. The only downside is that this machine cannot be returned if the inner packaging has been removed. So be sure this is what you want before you order.
The Hismith Premium Machine – The Best Hips in the Business
Naturally, this doesn’t have hips, but it is one of the best thrusting machines on the market. It’s bigger than the Hide-a-Cock 5.1 and looks like more of a brute. This is one machine that will not let up until you’re screaming in pleasure.
It’s easy to put together and pretty simple to use. The dildo comes standard with the machine and is soft enough to be realistic…except with this magical machine, you’ll never have to worry about failure to perform.
The build quality is excellent, and the machine is a fair size. It’s hefty, which helps it stay where it should. I’d still put it on a mat, though. There are various penetration depths here so I’d also recommend starting off lower. Don’t turn up that setting past midway at the very most the first couple of times.
The Shockspot 12-inch – Our Premium Pick
If you’re sick of men who boast 12 inches but barely offer half that, the Shockspot could be for you. And if the 12-inch model’s a little much for you, you can also opt for 8 inches. The company also offers a model that provides double penetration.
You’ll pay a bit more for this model, but it’s worth it. First off, it looks more like a high-tech robotic arm than what it actually is. So, if discretion is important to you, this could work. It offers both vibrations and thrusting, and that’s unusual in these models.
Use the app to program the thrusting pattern and vibrational frequency. Set it up and run it hands-free or control it using the remote.
On the downside, this is a little on the noisy side, so don’t pull it out when your parents are visiting.
The Kiiroo Onyx 2 – A Whole New Experience in Stroking Your Ego
This is a masturbator designed for men. But good luck recognizing it for what it actually is if you see it lying on someone’s bedside table. It looks like a Bluetooth speaker until you open it up. And this is not your average stroker, believe me.
This takes things to the next level – pair it with a VR porn program, and you’ll swear that you’re not alone
I’m Sold – Where Do I Get Mine?
If you’re interested in getting one of our top picks, you’ll find the links in those sections. If you want to keep looking, it’s time to search the web. I’ll give you some good places to start.
Surprise, surprise—you can get your machine on Amazon. But then, you can get just about anything on Amazon, anyway. You won’t find a wider selection of options anywhere. But remember our words of caution—you do need to vet the sellers carefully.
Check all the reviews, especially those regarding returns, and how any problems have been dealt with. Most items purchased on the site can be returned as long as they are unused, and in the same shape they were sent out in within 30 days.
This can vary from one supplier to the next.
This site is easy to use and offers a wide range of choices. Just select your category in the top navigation bar. From there, a range of product pictures will come up. If something catches your eye, click on it, and get more information.
Users are encouraged to rate the items they buy. This gives you real user reviews to work from. Once you’ve loaded up your cart, you can pay using a credit or debit card or PayPal. The company will not share any of your personal details with any other companies.
The products are packed discreetly, and you’ll get full tracking details once they’ve been shipped. Every item has a 30-day return policy, with the company picking up the tab for return shipping. All items are guaranteed for a year.
The company has earned a solid reputation for good products and great customer service.
Ken’s Twisted Mind
This company was started in 1999. They’re the ones behind the original Hide-a-Cock machine. They have a wide range of fuck machines on their site, so there’s bound to be something that you’ll find interesting.
For orders over $150, you’ll be required to sign for the delivery. If there’s a manufacturer’s defect, you’ll get a replacement within 15 days, but the company will not refund the shipping for the returned item. Other than that, you cannot return the product.
Shockspot is one of the premier manufacturers of sex machines in the United States. The machines are built in the USA and carefully tested for quality. The company only sells their own products, and there are three models to choose from:
- 8-inch model
- 12-inch model
- Double penetration model
The site is simple to use, and you get a 14-day money-back guarantee. During this period, you can return the product unused and in pristine condition, no questions asked. You’ll get your money back, less the shipping and a penalty for restocking.
This is a tech leader in the industry. It’s headquartered in Amsterdam, a country where sexual experimentation is taken seriously. They’ve been in business for six years and have earned a reputation as an innovative company.
Ordering is easy, as is the entire payment process. The company accepts debit and credit cards, PayPal, Amazon cards, and Apple Pay, to name just some of the options. The turnaround time to get an order out is between three and five days, so you won’t have to wait too long. Shipping is quick, and you can track the package all the way. The packages are discreetly wrapped.
The company does allow you to cancel an order within four hours of placing it as long as it hasn’t been shipped. You’ll get a full refund in this case. And if you want to return an item, you’ll have to return it unopened.
Get Your Engine Ready: It’s Time to Get Off
Sex machines can enhance the process of masturbation. They’re a big step up from your basic vibrator and allow you to lay back and enjoy yourself. It doesn’t matter what sex you are; there is a machine that will work perfectly for you.
After reading this comprehensive guide, you should have some idea of what’s going to work for you. All that’s left now is to make your choice and place an order. Line up the bubbly, lots of lube, and light a few scented candles to welcome your new toy into the house.
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