our bondage sex guide

Bondage Sex Guide – Learn how to do it right

Maybe you’ve been hot to try some of the moves you saw in 50 Shades of Grey. Perhaps you just want to experiment a bit. Either way, bondage involves more than just sexual tying up. Whether you choose to be dominant or the submissive one, it adds a new element of spice to your relationship.

A lot of people, however, don’t know how to get started. Do you head out and buy all the toys, or do you take it slowly? Will it be painful? In this post, we’re going to answer those questions and more. We’ll go through the dynamics of how to get a safe and fun start, and some of the toys you can try.

What Exactly is BDSM?

BDSM (bondage/discipline/sadism/masochism) refers to a wide range of sexual disciplines. This could involve:

  • Discipline / domination
  • Submission/ consensual enslavement
  • Sadism
  • Masochism

What a lot of people don’t understand is that you have a lot of choices here; you can experiment with any element of BDSM you like. It’s your choice how far you go, so if there’s an element that you don’t want to try, then you don’t have to.

And you always have the option to start off as slowly as you like; there’s no onus on you to take it any further if you don’t want to. Indulging in a little spanking is a good introduction to discipline—and it can also be used to punish a naughty partner.

Let’s look at each area in a little more detail.

BDSM - cuffs and a whip

Bondage and Discipline

Bondage is where one partner is physically restrained. The person doing the restraining is considered the master, while the person who is being restrained is the slave. Partners may prefer one role over the other, or decide to swap roles.

The restraints could be improvised – put his tie to good work. They could also be more elaborate. There are bondage kits that you can buy; some bondage players go so far as to use ropes and a dungeon.

There are very few rules here, but it’s important to respect your partner. Good communication is key if you both want to have fun, so start by coming up with a safe word. This can be used by either person if they’re becoming uncomfortable or if things are getting too painful.

I’ll go into more detail about safe words later in this post.

Ease into It

If you’re not too sure about your partner’s interest and don’t know how to broach the topic, it’s easy enough to gauge their interest. Hold your partner’s hands down tightly during your next sexual encounter; if they seem uncomfortable, then let them loose and leave it there.

If they’re into it, maybe it’s time to discuss the issue more completely.

Dominance and Submission

This is all about changing the normal relationship dynamic. In most relationships, there’s give and take from both partners; sometimes, one partner will take the lead, and other times, it’s up to the other to do so.

In this case, we’re taking the idea of bondage away from mere restraints to a more mental state. One partner will be dominant, and the other will be submissive. The “dom” is the one in control; the “sub” will wait until the dom tells them what to do.

Sadism and Masochism

This is where some people may get nervous. Here the one partner derives pleasure from humiliating or hurting the other; it’s not about inflicting actual harm, but more about a little tolerable pain. So, it might involve scratching, biting, or spanking.

The masochist is the one who enjoys being humiliated or being in pain. Naturally, the idea is not to injure, but there are various levels of intensity used here. Trust is especially important here because you need to know that your partner won’t take things to far.

The sadist is the one who likes inflicting the pain or humiliation. This doesn’t always mean physical abuse; the sadist may also torture their victims by denying them an orgasm. You can try a little bit of this by tying your partner up and bringing them close to orgasm but not allowing completion.

Ready to Get Started?

Okay, so now that you understand a bit more about it, how will you start out? It doesn’t matter; you can begin however you like. Just start off slowly and make sure it’s fun. You’re not going to be setting up a dungeon and complex rope system as your introduction.

What you can do, however, is to DIY and use a scarf to tie your partner to the bed or make them wear a blindfold. It’s that easy to get started. Later you can even give your partner a sex gift to spice things up.

A woman in lingerie

What’s Most Important

This is an activity that you want to choose your partner carefully for; it is not something to pull out with some one-night stand that you’ve just picked up in a bar. For starters, it’s never a good idea to try this if you’re drunk. Second off, you must be able to trust them to stop if you tell them to.

You must agree on a safe word beforehand. This will stop all play and allow you to slow things down a bit. It might also be helpful to institute a traffic light system:

  • Green: This means everything’s good and you can carry on.
  • Yellow: This means that you want to carry on but at a lower intensity.
  • Red: This means stop.

The rules with safe words are simple:

  • Keep it simple.
  • Make sure it’s easy to remember.
  • Consider an action to replace the word if you’re gagged; perhaps it could be to drop something or clench your fists a few times in a row.

In addition to the safe word, the dominating partner also needs to check regularly how the other one is doing.

Finally, when it comes to the restraints chosen, they should be loosely tied so as not to cut off circulation. If you find that you enjoy this, consider getting a set of Velcro restraints for comfort and safety.

The rule for beginners is to take everything slowly. Start out with some light bondage, and then add in a blindfold and consider a little bit of spanking or whipping. The idea is for it to sting a little to heighten the sensation of pleasure.

It’s not a good idea to try too much all at once. If you do, it could feel overwhelming and not at all fun anymore.

It’s also a good idea to practice safe playing. When spanking your partner, for example, stick to areas like the butt or thighs; there are no internal organs there that can be damaged.

At the end of the session, take some time to cool off. This sort of activity releases a fair amount of adrenaline, and you’re bound to feel a little crash when it’s over. Make sure that you sit together for a little bit and talk if need be.

It’s also a good idea to apply some soothing lotion—and lots of cuddles.

Let’s Talk About the Toys

If you’re looking for a quick and easy way to update your doll’s look, adding accessories or changing her wig is a good option.  Do blondes have more fun? Want to see if redheads are wild in bed? Switch out the wigs. There are several different wigs in many styles—choose long hair, short hair, or anything in between.

Female sex toys in a bag on a ping background

Blindfolds

Whether you’re into BDSM or not, this should be in your kit. Depriving the body of sight enhances all the other senses. It also ups the excitement factor because you can’t see what your partner is doing.

Move onto a Gag Ball

These make it impossible for your partner to talk, so be sure that you’ve worked out a safe signal in advance. Don’t go for the biggest one that you can find; start with something smaller, and consider getting one with holes in it to make it easier to breathe.

Bondage Tape

This makes it easy to restrain your partner. The tape is strong and not easily broken, but it won’t cut off circulation. It’s easier on the skin than standard tape and won’t damage linen or clothing.

Cuffs

A good pair of cuffs could be all you need to get your partner hot. Choose a fluffy pair to add a luxe element or a leather pair for a more authentic enslavement experience. Remember, it’s about what gets you off—there’s no right and wrong.
And who says that you only need wrist cuffs? Ankle cuffs are also a lot of fun.

A Spreader Bar

This is not something to start with, but it’s worth working toward. With this tool, your movement is completely limited. There’s nothing you can do here to stop your partner having fun in whatever manner they choose.

Collars and Leashes

Again, you should work your way up to these items. The collar/choker can be used if you like a bit of erotic asphyxiation. (This is a more advanced technique that’s best left to someone who knows what they’re doing.)
You can get an idea of what it’s like by letting your partner tighten the choker a little. The leash is for leading your slave around with.

If You’re a Sadist

You’ll want to try:

  • Crop
  • Paddle
  • Flogger

Once You’re in the Swing of Things

If you’re finding the basics quite enjoyable, it’s fun to consider a bed restraint kit. This has wrist and ankle restraints to tie you down to the frame of the bed. We have some of our top picks in this BDSM furniture guide.
Edging is another slightly more advanced technique. With this technique, your partner brings you close to reaching orgasm—and then they back off. They do this over and over again until they decide that you can cum. There’s nothing quite like the mind-blowing orgasm that follows.

A good tool to have on hand here is a vibrator, like a Magic Wand. These have various settings that you can play with; for men, a Fleshlight is a good alternative

When that’s all become a bit ho-hum for you, you can research the field a little more. The Japanese art of Shibari is both erotic and elegant. Check it out to add a bit more fun and excitement.

Finally, if you want to try something that can be out of this world, consider electro-play. This is where your partner literally shocks you; the kit includes a probe that emits low voltage electricity. This is definitely something that you want to ease into, though. If performed incorrectly, it can be painful. It’s also best left alone if you have heart problems.

tied up woman laying on the floor

Final Notes

If this post has sparked your interest, but you’re not sure where to go from here, discuss it with your partner. Show them this post if you like, and speak to them about trying some light bondage to start off with.

They may be just as interested in it as you are, but also might be afraid to bring it up. The worst that they could say is “No.” A more important question could be, “What are we missing out on by not discussing it?”

Even if all you ever do is wear a blindfold, it still adds an element of fun. If you never want to progress any further than that, there’s no need to.

If you follow the tips in this article, you can explore another side of your sexuality safely. At worst, someone ends up with a light spanking. At best, it could well lead to the most mind-blowing sexual experiences you’ve ever had.

The only way to know for sure is to give it a try. What are you waiting for? I give you permission to go ahead.

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